Last Words
by Morine123
Summary: Before Edward met Bella, what did he have to live for? What if he chose not to continue on with his life? This is what I imagined his suicide note to be like, if there ever was one. It's angsty, but not as dark as one may think a suicide note to be. AU


**Longest one-shot I have ever written...yes. But...I put a lot of work into it.**

**So basically I read this interview with Robert Pattinson (who played Edward in the movie for those who are unaware of that) and he said that he wrote suicide notes or something like that for getting into the character. And all I could think was, "That's freaking awesome!" Which isn't as sadistic as it may seem. **

**So then I thought about writing the version of it for myself, and that idea kind of followed me around for a long while. And then I just decided to start it and see where it went. So...yep.**

**I actually googled "How To Write A Suicide Note", and I got this really cool website that gave tips to writing suicide notes, which I found kind of comical (I'M NOT REALLY ALL THAT SADISTIC). And well...I didn't exactly follow those guidelines but Edward isn't exactly normal.**

**I hope that the quotes used only adds to it, not takes away from it. **

**This IS the first angsty thing that I've written, so I'm sorry if it's not as dark as some would have liked it. **

**Anyways...I do not own any of the Twilight characters. I also don't own the quotes that I used. And sorry to Robert Pattinson for stealing his idea. On with the story. **

**ALSO, THIS IS BEFORE EDWARD MET BELLA. THIS IS PRE-TWILIGHT/AU. IT IS NOT DURING NEW MOON.**

**Seriously, onto the story now. **

* * *

"_Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early." – Doug Stanhope_

I know what I am about to do is wrong. I am well aware of that. I know that it's going to hurt not only me but you as well. Maybe this won't hurt you physically, but mentally it might. So I ask you all now not to think too much of it.

It's almost as if I'm writing a break-up letter- _It's not you, it's me. _But the truth of the matter is that I just can't do it anymore. How is it that I am a vampire and the mere thought of "living" exhausts me?

I'm not bored with my life, nor do I hate it. But I fail to see any point in it. I have killed many before, ones that weren't ready to go. And one day, perhaps because of a slip up, I would have killed more. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to stop. So really by doing this I am sparing not only my own life, but others as well.

I'm sorry if this pains any of you at all. But do not let this greatly impact your lives.

I would like to section off this note for each different person. I ask that each section be read by that person, and that person only. I humbly thank you all for that.

--

_Carlisle,_

"_You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes even if it's just in your own eyes." Walter Schirra _

Who else to start off with than you? You have been the greatest father I could ever have asked for. You taught me how to hunt properly. And although part of me can't help but hate you for turning me, I know that you didn't do it out of selfishness. My mother asked you to. Although I do regret becoming a monster, I do not regret becoming your son.

I apologize for disappearing for those few years on my own. I have spent every last day of my existence regretting ever leaving. I've killed dozens of people, all of who weren't ready to go yet. I changed their fate, and I can never forget that.

I am well aware that my leaving also hurt you. But you never lost me as a son, and you still will not lose me as a son after this. I don't remember much of my biological father. But I do remember every last moment I spent with you.

I miss our hunts together, back when I was a newborn. You would always be so careful with me. Your thoughts were always very stressed. And that honestly showed me how much you cared for me. You didn't want me to become a monster, but somehow I became that.

And you're not to blame. None of this is for you to blame. If anything, you are one of the main reasons why I have stayed on this earth for so long. Yes, I am afraid of what will happen once I no longer roam this earth. But I'm not so sure if I believe in hell or heaven anymore.

I might have "checked out" long ago if it weren't for you. Once you met Esme…I began getting was some hope for me to find someone. There was hope for me not to "live" alone. Perhaps there was use to my so far meaningless and uneventful life.

No, that's not true. My life has been eventful. And it has been wonderful, you and the rest of the family are always so forgiving. But in reality I don't deserve any of it. I didn't deserve the fatherly love that you have posed on me the past dozens of years.

You didn't have to listen to my mother, you didn't have to bring me into this world. I'm not so sure why you did it, what you saw in me. I'm not so sure you understand it either. Your thoughts never seem to go to that. You never seem to think about why you did save me.

You were lonely, that I do understand so much. But I know there was something more there. Maybe it was trusting the old saying of, "mother knows best". But surely she hadn't seen _this _coming.

I wonder every day how my mother knew that you would be able to save me. Maybe she saw you in the light one day? Or she was just smart enough to put the pieces together. I know that she was a very smart, and observant person. She must have been cognizant of things that others were not. She had to have known something, somehow.

But what I am trying to say to you is…thank you. If I had to chose between dying along side my mother, or dying this way now, I would chose this way. It's not the easier of the two ways, nor is it more pleasing or happier. But I am happy that I gave you the happiness of being able to have a son for at least a little amount of time.

And you need to promise me one thing, promise me that you will take care of Esme as well as the rest of the family. Esme is one of the most wonderful women I have ever known, right next to the rest of the female members of the family. You have made her so happy as it is. Please do not let her be so hurt by what I am doing. Maybe take her traveling for a while. Let her get her mind off of things. Overall, let her be happy.

And most importantly, let yourself be happy. Continue being as great as a father as you have always been.

--

_Esme _

You are my mother.

No, you are not the person who gave birth to me. But I have always viewed you as my mother. You didn't fill in the gap of my own mother, but rather you helped it close up. You've made an entirely new place in my non-beating heart.

And you have always been there for me. Whenever I needed a shoulder to sob dryly on, I always knew that you would be there. You always had open arms for me as well as the rest of the family.

I remember how we would always plant in your garden, sometimes at night even. And how whenever Carlisle was out working, you and I would watch the stars. We would usually just sit in silence, talking whenever we wanted to. But I was always comforted by your presence.

Hunting together was always fun. You would be so careful around me. You made sure that I wasn't hurt by any of the animals, or that I didn't wander off too far on my own. It is silly really, you're much younger than me yet you are still so much better at protecting me.

But age doesn't really matter, not in our cases so much anyways. You're still my mother, and I am still your son. And I will always love you as such. I always liked listening in on your thoughts. It wasn't that they were much cleaner than the others (although they were) so much that it was always peaceful. You were always in a very serene place in your thoughts. You did worry about us, your children, but you never overreacted about it.

My mind sometimes drifts off to thinking what it would have been like if you had been a mother of younger children. You would have just as much patience with younger children as you do with us. I imagine you cleaning children's cuts when they fall. And you would ignore your bloodlust, focusing your mind directly on just taking complete care for them.

You once told me that one day I would meet a girl and I would fall in love with her. I did believe you for a while. And my heart searched for "the one". But my heart always came back empty handed. I made peace with the idea of me destined to be alone a long while ago. But it just wasn't enough.

I have figured out someway or another that you all will blame yourselves for this. Please don't Esme. There is nothing that you could have done or helped me with to have made me wanted to stay this way any longer. Your kindness and love has always brightened me up although I was always undeserving.

I have asked Carlisle to take you traveling for a while. I understand that you will want to spend time with the rest of the family. I think that traveling will do you some good as well. Have Carlisle show you the world. Don't let this corrupt your life, please live it to the fullest. I hate myself even more for hurting you, but understand that was never my intention.

I love you, I will always love you. You are the most amazing mother a son could ask for. And I wish that I were able to give you a proper goodbye. I hope you understand, that would have been impossible. I hope this letter is a goodbye enough for you, though I don't really think it is for me.

"_Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother." Moorish Proverb _

--

_Alice,_

"_For there is no friend like a sister, in calm or stormy weather, to cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands." Christina G. Rossetti _

Oh Alice, my little future seeing sister. I don't know if you were able to see this yet. I tried not to lead you on to anything. But soon after I write this letter you will see something and try to stop me. I beg you not to. You all saving me will be of no help to me.

You have always been able to understand me. You would never push my thoughts or ideas away but rather let them in. And seeing your cheerful smile every day always made my smile, although I didn't always show it.

By the time you read this you will know how I went about killing myself. Gone to the Volturi, etc, etc. And you might be curious of how I managed to slip by your radar, but please do not beat yourself up trying to think about this logically. Just leave things be. Everything happens for a reason. But I am taking fate into my own hands.

I need you to please try to get everyone's spirit's up. Don't let everyone not go to school anymore because of this. Don't just drop out. And do not let this family fall apart. I know that you won't do that. But please, don't just go running off with Jasper alone again. And don't let Rosalie try to do anything to hurt anyone.

You need to try to be happy, mainly for Jasper. I know that his emotions are going to go crazy, which isn't good for anyone in the house. You know how to help him. You know how to help him get in touch with his emotions, and not the entire world's.

You know I didn't plan this until just now. It wasn't because I knew you would find out or anything like that. It's just that…realization has been hitting me in the face a lot lately. We are a family, we are always going to be a family. And I'm not saying that's not enough. But you all have someone else to spend the nights with. You all have someone else to fill in that empty gap in your heart.

Honestly, if there were someone out there for me, wouldn't you have seen it by now? I know that you can't see too far ahead. I know that the future changes but shouldn't "the one" stay the same?

Maybe they died a while ago. Maybe I was supposed to find someone in Chicago, or after the war. Maybe my fate just got really screwed up. Or, if there is a God and if there is a heaven something went horribly wrong. God decided that I didn't deserve someone special, that I didn't deserve that kind of happiness. Maybe he made it so that I would never find my mate. I don't really know the answer to any of these questions, and I'm quite sure that you don't either.

But you have always been the one to go to when my mind was all juggled up. I guess all of those silent conversations we had together really paid off huh?

Why do humans kill themselves? The average human lifespan nowadays is no more than 90. And most people that kill themselves are at least 15. So really they only have around 75 more years to go. But I have suffered for over 90 years. Not all of those years was I in hatred of myself. But still. All humans will die one day. Some just later than others. And I understand that people's lives being so miserable that they can't take it any more.

But why should they give up their one chance in heaven? Me, I know that I'm not going to be joining my mother. If there is a heaven at all there is. But at least I know that no matter what I do, the outcome will not be a good one. I threw away my one chance at heaven a long while ago, and I can't get it back.

But the humans, they have a chance. If they just hold on for just a little bit longer, they will die. And they won't have to suffer by going through the gates of hell. They don't have to hurt their loved ones anymore.

I'm such a hypocrite, I know. I am probably hurting you all just as much, or even more. And I know, I always have a choice. There is always a choice. But I've chosen. I can't just do this anymore.

Haven't you ever talked to me lately? Yes, you have. You all have. And you all had to have seen something. I'm not really there, I'm never really there anymore. Physically I show up to family meetings, physically I go to school with you all. But mentally I am never there. Even when I am alone.

I trace patterns on my bedroom walls just so that I don't think about anything. Because whenever I think about something my mind always goes down.

Hunting is the worst. You're supposed to give over all of your instincts to hunting, letting it control you. But I have found that I am unable to do that. I watch as the poor creature in my hands dies. I see their life being taken away from them by none other than me. they are so helpless. There is nothing they can even possibly do to stop me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to babble on and on about how deeply depressing my mind has gotten lately. I wanted to say how much of a great sister you have been to me. As a human I remember always wondering what it would be like to have a little sister to take care of. And I never really got that from Rosalie.

Don't blame yourself because you weren't able to see this and stop this. Just admit that my wit was able to get around your future seeing mind.

So make sure to brighten everyone's life up like you have done so much with mine. And let the family stick together and be happy. I know that you can do that little sister, I have always had so much faith in you.

--

_Jasper_

"_Until you have become really, in actual fact, as brother to everyone, brotherhood will not come to pass" Fyodor Dostoyevsky_

I know that this is going to be very hard on you. I know that the emotions will be tough. And I know they will be conflicting. And I understand completely if you hate me for that. I completely hate me for doing this to all of you. I know for a fact that Alice will help you and the rest of the family get through this.

I know that you might want to run away with Alice and just get away from all of the emotions. But please do not do this. I am afraid you see. I am afraid that once I take my visit to Italy that this family will fall apart. And that is that last thing I want.

You all need each other. You all make up the perfect family. You and Alice are perfect for one another. Your personalities are so different but you two fit in the puzzle pieces. And Emmett and Rosalie, god I am still trying to wipe my mind clear from the noises I hear in their bedroom. And Esme and Carlisle, the two hands down greatest parents that you will ever ask for. And don't you see how you all are perfect together?

It's not that I have never fit in, or that I don't fit in. Sometimes I do feel like the odd man out. I have never been able to let loose. You've tried, I know that you've tried. For that I am sorry. My slightly darker emotions were not helpful to you at all.

I would have understood if you spaced yourself further away from me. I would have understood you slapping some sense into me. But you never did. Well, those wrestling matches never did count.

It does make me even sadder to know that we will never come to a definite winner between the three of us. I personally think that it's a pretty even tie. I mean, I had a great advantage with my ability and all. But you and Emmett are both much stronger than I.

I guess that you two will just have to continue the wrestling matches without me. I think with some practice and clever thinking you will be able to beat Emmett. But don't tell him that I said that.

I know that you have Alice and everything. But I think that you should have my piano. Maybe you should even learn to play. I know that Esme will love that. And I want you to all try the hardest to make Esme as happy as you possibly can. It might help you get in contact with your own emotions a little better. It might help with the control.

I would have asked Emmett to take up the piano as well, but knowing him he would have just broken it. You also need to make sure that Emmett and Rose don't try and get too intimate on my piano. I've worked hard to make sure they didn't try anything behind my back. But now you must take over that job.

I don't mean any of you any harm by me doing this. But you have to understand that I have lived alone for over 90 years. And I have become an atrocious monster. I can't even look in the mirror anymore.

I know, I know. Carlisle was alone for longer. But it's different for him. He has finally met someone to spend the rest of eternity with. And I know that's just not meant for me. Please Jasper, haven't you seen the suffering that I have been going through these past few years? You must have been able to feel something from me.

But it wasn't your job to try and make me feel better. It wasn't any of your jobs. It was my own. And I failed to be able to do so. For that I am sorry. I am sorry for being so weak. But I've been alone for too long. And I just can't do it anymore.

Take care of Alice, take care of Esme. Take care of my piano, protect my baby from the clutches of Emmett and Rosalie. One day the bloodlust will get easier, and the emotions will be clearer to understand. Perhaps not as soon as you would have liked but soon enough.

--

_Emmett _

"_When you deal with your brother, be pleasant, but get a witness." Hesiod _

Ah Emmett, I'm not so sure how you will be taking this entire situation. I do hope that you are going to be able to crack at least a few jokes. I think the family will be needing that soon enough.

You have always been able to protect the family. So please, make sure that they stick together. I know that parts of each one of you are going to want to separate. Parts of you are going to want to just go off with your significant other and run away for a little while. But just because I am leaving does not mean that we are not still a family.

I was not the string that kept us all together and I'm definitely not going to be the string that will rip it all apart. I don't want everyone to hurt over this. I know that it's going to be difficult on many levels, but you have Rosalie.

Ah, Rosalie. I know that she is going to be livid over this. But don't let her hurt anyone. I know that you love her. I love her too, as a sister of course. You also know that she tends to talk without really thinking about where that will take her. Don't let her say anything that will rip the family apart. We're still a team.

I'm worried about Esme. I'm deeply worried about her. She has already lost so much. I don't want this to make matters worse. I know this will affect all of you, but don't let the impact be greater than the fall.

You have always been the best brother to me. Always been there when I needed it. You were always ready to give a lending hand or crack some extremely inappropriate but highly appreciated joke. And I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you as much as I should have.

One day maybe me doing this will make sense to all of you.

Thank you by the way. Thank you for loving Rose the way that I never could. It hurt me, really it did every time I said no. Her thoughts were always changing. Sometimes they would be upset at me. Other times, when she wasn't covering up her mind, they were only full of sorrow. I didn't mean to hurt her. I didn't mean to reject her like that. But I just couldn't do that.

But now she has you in her life. She had been through such a difficult time as a human. She needed you. And you need her. You two have each other, and you two are going to stay with each other forever. And nothing that I do will ever tear that apart.

Don't think this is your fault, or hers, or anyone's. It's not. Believe me nothing would have stopped me from making my decision. But you are my brother. And I am your brother, and that's how it's going to be forever. And I'm truly sorry for this, for everything. But know that I've always cared about you. I just wish I could have been there more. I hope you forgive me for that.

And by the way, no sex on the piano.

--

_Rosalie_

"_I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."- Derek Zoolander _

You truly are one of the most beautiful creatures to walk the earth. But you of course know that. I know that you have always had something against me. For making you seem unwanted I am sorry.

But I won't ever regret the action of not taking you as my mate. Not after I see how happy you and Emmett are. You two belong together. You always have and always will. And I know that you're going to be okay because you have Emmett.

I've always loved you, but just as a sister, not a lover. I know that there are moments where you want to smash my face into a mirror. Believe me, that feeling is mutual. But I know that deep down you don't hate me as much as it may seem. And I have never hated you.

This whole fiasco that I'm creating is going to anger you even further. That much I know. But I didn't do that do anger you. And you know that. I didn't do it because of you or anyone else. I did it because I just can't do it anymore.

You are probably only one of the people who won't blame themselves for this. Thanks for that I guess. In many ways you understand me. From your thoughts I know that you know what it's like to be in such a depressed state.

You have Emmett now. I don't have anyone. Yes, I have my family. And it's not that you all aren't enough. But one cannot live alone like this forever. I'm a monster, you have to realize that don't you?

Please take care of Esme. Make sure that she is okay. I keep asking you all that, but it kills me to hurt her. No pun intended on that one. You two just have so much of a connection. And I know that once you read this you will want to put me down every second that you get. And that's fine. Just please don't say anything hurtful to anyone.

You're not a shallow person no matter what anyone says. I of all people have been able to understand that. Your mind is a place that I don't particularly enjoy venturing into. But that's in no way offensive. You are such a strong person and your thoughts convey that completely.

I am sorry for what happened to you while you were a human. And I'm sorry that I wasn't the one that mended those wounds. I'm sorry that you had to wait for Emmett. But it was better that way. You know it was better that way.

So, I wish you happiness in this life. I wish you to be able to forgive me for everything. I know that I am undeserving, but it would lift a few weights off your shoulders.

Oh, and I thought the quote was appropriate enough.

--

_Tanya_

"_A whole stack of memories never equals one little hope." Charles M. Schulz _

Oh Tanya. The beautiful, wonderful Tanya. I have enjoyed the past few years with you. I know that it might not seem that way so much. But you have been a wonderful friend.

You are very attractive, don't get me wrong. But we're not meant for each other. I know that unrequited love hurts quite a lot. And I know that it is unfair for me to be leaving this world with you still without a mate. But you are so much stronger than me.

You will find someone deserving of your love. Your mate will show up in your life eventually. But for now you have your sisters who love you unconditionally.

Would you have rather spent eternity with me knowing that we're not perfect for each other? Would you have rather lived that lie? I know that we wouldn't have been happy being romantically involved with each other.

I didn't say no to hurt you. I didn't do it as a punishment for myself. I did it because it simply was not right. I could never have done such a thing to you, or myself for that matter.

I know that we haven't been as close friends as we probably should have been. I know that we didn't talk as much as you would have liked. And for that I am sorry. I did not want you to think that I was leading you on in any way, shape, or form. But now I realize that perhaps getting on friendlier terms with you might have helped.

Don't worry, my suicide is not because of anything you have said or done to me. Although I do feel immense pain when I see the sadness in your eyes. I promise you that you will find someone that will make you forget me entirely.

Thank you for your kindness. Maybe we wouldn't have been right, but I don't think that will matter so much now. So farewell Tanya, farewell.

--

I didn't mean for this to be so long. But I wanted you all to understand that I had a reason for this. I don't mean any of you harm.

Perhaps I will meet my biological mother. Perhaps not. I would love to watch over you all wherever I do go. I doubt that will be possible in any way at all.

I'm sorry.

_- Edward Anthony Masen Cullen _

_September 13, 1987_

* * *

**If you found something wrong with it, please feel free to tell me, I am always looking for improvement. There's a longer A/N at the top but most people don't read those. **

**My friend/beta told me this was a little rantish, but I didn't exactly know how to say everything without it seeming so much as a rant. **

**I know that the language is not up to par with Edward's but believe me, I tried!**

**If anyone is able to see where the date comes from...hehe. **

**If you want something fluffier just look on my profile, I've got a few fluffy stories, and a few fluffy one-shots. **

**Thank you for reading.**

**- Morine **


End file.
